Awakenings.....

Have you watched that tragic movie?
It's probably 20 years old or so by now.

I remember watching it when I wasn't even twenty-five and sobbing until I thought I'd be sick. I can't really imagine the impact it would have on me now, now that I'm 42 and not living up to the potential that is placed in me.....not really living life to it's fullest....choosing the coma on some days.


See, the gist of the movie is that there are some patients who suffered from encephalitis or something like that, and they've been living in a comatose state. The, the miracle drug arrives.

They awake.

They speak, see, feel , taste, engage.

They experience life, so joyfully, engage in it, express themselves.

Then ( spoiler alert. Hey. It's a 20 year old movie. Cut me some slack.) they start to slip back into their comatose state.

For all of the joy, the hope, the purposed intent.....it doesn't really matter. Temporary at best.

Tragic. True story, too, based on a memoir by Oliver Sacks in the 70's.


Here's the kicker, though.

I'm not so different some of the time.

I live numb. Dull. Undisciplined and unpurposed. Catatonic to the purposes God has written in my DNA and called my heart to. I blunt my own passions and dull my own heart by accepting things that are less than.

Less than what I'm meant to be, less than what I dream of doing. This, too, is a true story. Based on a not yet written memoir by me.

Ephesians 5:14 (The Message)

11-16Don't waste your time on useless work, mere busywork, the barren pursuits of darkness. Expose these things for the sham they are. It's a scandal when people waste their lives on things they must do in the darkness where no one will see. Rip the cover off those frauds and see how attractive they look in the light of Christ.

Wake up from your sleep,
Climb out of your coffins;
Christ will show you the light!
So watch your step. Use your head. Make the most of every chance you get. These are desperate times!


Yeah, man!

That's the cry of my heart this evening. I'm climbing out of my coffin and inviting everyone in my life to do the same. My husband. My kids. You, if you're so inclined.

These are desperate times. Let's make the most out of every chance we get, Christ will show us the light.


Switchfoot - Meant to live
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Such Great Heights....

I love that song by the Postal Service.

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

Yeah, it's January. Time to set such lofty goals that I'm overwhelmed by all of my own aspirations. I'm not even gonna pretend that it's a new concept for me, or that I'm even very successful at the whole new beginnings and new lease on life stuff....

But.

This time feels different.

This time, I'm old enough to know that change doesn't come easy and I don't expect it to. This time, I'm just ready for it. Change. Ready to embrace it with my flabby, forty something arms and hold on to it for all I'm worth.

I have lofty goals.

I want to be more like Jesus. Not because I'm supposed to. Just because I'd rather be like Him than anyone else. I long to be more like Him. More loving. More forgiving. More passionate. More God centered and purposed to live for the things that matter instead of being blindsided by the things that don't.

I want to be healthier. Spiritually, sure. But mentally, emotionally and physically, too. I really want to be the best me I can be. My momming and wifing is definitely affected by my lack of energy and I want that to change. Strike that. I *need* that to change.

I want to laugh more. Louder. Even if people look at me funny.

I want to live in the moment, with abandon. The moments are flying by. I don't want to miss out on my life while I'm waiting for it to happen.

so. I'm going to do some hard things this year, that will hopefully be less difficult when next year's "New Year, new goals, new outlook" post rolls around.

I'm going to move. Often. I want to become a runner. Scares me to put that in print because I am an awkward, limping runner at best right now. But, there it is.

I also want to revamp my cooking. I cook like a madwoman and take great pride in it...but my kitchen forays definitely need a facelift. 2011 will be the year of "Cooking Light". Yep. I'm going to pull out all of my issues of that trusty magazine and cook a year's worth of meals from it's illustrious pages. Think Julie and Julia without the butter, foie gras and hopefully with the opposite effect on my waistline. If I'm disciplined about it, I hope to chronicle that progression on these pages. We shall see.

Finally, I'm going to perfect the balancing act of self-discipline and grace for my mistakes. Well, I'm going to work on perfecting that artful balance. I want to be who I was created to be and not beat myself up in the process.

Happy New Year. Hope yours is off to a fantastic start. I've managed to keep all of my lofty goals for the 48 hours that it's been 2011.

Shadowing.....

My girl is headed to the local veterinary office this morning. Twice a month she shadows there from 9 to 6, assisting with surgeries, calming dogs and cats and owners, feeding treats, pulling stitches, cleaning exam rooms..... You name it, she does it. She plans on being a vet someday and has the great benefit of following a friend of ours and learning from her. I am amazed by how much she's learned already. What size tubing to use during anesthesia, dosage amounts, dispensing meds, all kinds of diagnostic information...as well as the day to day details of running an office, expenses versus income, payroll, overhead, a lot of behind the scenes stuff. Shadowing has been and continues to be an invaluable experience for her and she hopes to continue through vet school---learning all she can to be the best veterinarian she can be. She is challenged and taught, there are requirements made of her, yet nothing is expected of her that she is not yet ready for. It is a phenomenal opportunity.

I need to start shadowing. I want to learn all I can to be the best Michele I can be. Come to me, get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me. Watch how I do it. learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly. Matthew 11:28

Now what?

I've been wrestling with change. I love it and hate it at the same time. I crave change on a regular basis, but am resistant to the kinds of changes that I can't control. Does that make me schizophrenic? Quite possibly.

I am the parent of four teenagers. This is a fact that I love. They are fantastic people, genuine, authentic, honest, funny. I love each one of them for who they are and how they are. But lately I've been thinking about how I parented when they were little. It seems like things of faith were a lot more concrete back in those days. We made eggshell crosses for Easter and talked about what they represented....we baked cookies and made crafts and caught bugs and fingerpainted, and managed to weave the truths of God into every project. It felt solid, right, peaceful.

Now, our days are filled with calculus and physics, college classes, kung fu, shadowing a veterinarian, running, working out, facebook, friends.....good stuff, but harder to draw clear cut lines that are tied to Truth. Harder questions. Difficult processing. It feels transient, grey, frightening.

Truth hasn't changed, nor has my love for it, the Word, the Way. Life has a funny way of changing, though, and with it children grown and change as well. Its good. Its necessary. Meat is harder to chew than milk, I guess. Parenting on the threshold of adulthood is a little harder to embrace than toddlerhood on some days. Thankfully, a pan of brownies, a good soundtrack and open conversation still work their magic.....even when the subjects have changed.

Grummy

I have a relationship with my grandmother that is the definition of unconditional love....she has modeled grace, forgiveness, encouragement, support, fun, passion and all things wonderful for me since I arrived on the planet. Her indomitable spirit has given me courage to do what needs done more times than I can count.
She introduced me to Jesus...
taught me to bake chocolate chip cookies....
"beachcombed" on the banks of the Ohio with me from the time I could walk...
demonstrates the power of prayer by always believing that is the first and best option....
picked me up from Skate Country countless Friday nights....
sent me notes all through college...
loves on my kiddos by making them corn flake chews and individually wrapping them in wax paper....
epitomizes the truth of I Corinthians 13 by walking it out every day....
she lost her husband when she was only 38, with sons aged 18, 8 and 6...
she lost her youngest son to a recurring battle with a brain tumor when he was just 42...
she's had her heart broken a number of times in a number of ways, and still she remains strong, courageous, faithful, and maintains her sense of humor.


She practices what she preaches, and I'm who I am because of her love. I am forever thankful that she's my grandmother.

This past week has been a long and difficult one. Grum threw a bloodclot to her bowel last Wednesday, perhaps as she was shovelling snow. Her 83 years don't seem to register, as she mows the yard, climbs steps to the river, tends other people's house sitting and serves everyone she knows.

I don't care to think what might have happened had my uncle not gone to check on her Friday morning. If we hadn't had a snow day, we might not have her with us. I am so thankful for God's hand, especially when I can't see it until after the fact.

After a long, invasive surgery and a lot of challenges ( she's too much of a lady for me to broadcast her particulars to the internet ;) ) we have her recovering well--even though she has quite a road ahead of her. I'm so very thankful for timing, skilled surgeons, kind nurses, and praying people. I am thankful. So thankful.

Grummy, you are amazing. Thanks for loving each of us the way that you do. May we honor you by loving others in much the same way. I'm so thankful I have you to walk alongside me as I learn the way.

Who's woods these are....

I think I know. His house is in the village, though. He will not see me stopping here to watch his woods fill up with snow.... The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep and miles to go, before I sleep....miles to go, before I sleep....

I'm not sure what Robert Frost was contemplating when he wrote Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening so long ago, but tonight I've been stationed by my window, watching the snow fall. It's beautiful, really, as it covers everything in a pristine blanket of white. However, I have a teenage son driving home from work tonight and I find that I'm missing the beauty as I anxiously wait to see his headlights turn in the drive.

It's funny how difficult it is to watch them grow up, and how I find myself doing the things I never thought I'd do....calling to check up, waiting by the window, realizing how quickly time passes. Tonight, for me, Frosts final words of the poem ring true in ways I hadn't contemplated. Miles to go, before I sleep....

Aaahhhh. New day, new year, new decade. Nothing like a fresh beginning to get me all excited about possibilities and potential. Kinda like opening a brand new box of crayons and having the freedom to choose which one I want to use first.

2010 came far more quickly than I thought possible. I'm getting older, and not always wiser, have a kiddo heading to college and three more teenagers sitting at my dining room table every night. There is less certainty and more wondering at this point in my life, I'm not as accomplished as I thought I might be in some areas, but far more at peace than I ever dreamed I could be.

The beginning of a new year always moves me. I'm moved by all that has gone before--people, opportunities, laughter, memories....but I'm motivated by all of the potential that stretches in front of us, like a big blank sheet of newsprint taped on the kitchen table, with a new box of crayons waiting to be opened.

2009 seems to have been a difficult year for many people, including a lot of my friends. So many have faced trials and losses, personal, financial, familial...there seems to be a general thankfulness to put the past year behind us and start something new. My prayer for all of us as we step foot through the door of 2010 is that we do it with open hands and open hearts, ready to be a part of what
God has in store for us.

16-21This is what God says,
the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—
they lie down and then can't get up;
they're snuffed out like so many candles:
"Forget about what's happened;
don't keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new.
It's bursting out! Don't you see it?
There it is! I'm making a road through the desert,
rivers in the badlands.Wild animals will say 'Thank you!'
—the coyotes and the buzzards—
Because I provided water in the desert,
rivers through the sun-baked earth,
Drinking water for the people I chose,
the people I made especially for myself,
a people custom-made to praise me

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure what to color first!